Hello In There

Last night I took a positive pregnancy test. For the average person this would induce nothing but excitement, anticipation, and hope. For us it's a bit different. We are acutely aware of the heartache and pain this could bring. And so...here I am, writing it out. Talking myself into joy.

Josh went to the store after work last night and bought the test for me. I know my body well, but even after a week of expecting my period and seeing nothing, I still wasn't sure. Josh set the test on the counter and there it sat for an hour. I was in no hurry. I think maybe the hope of hope was too comfortable and fun. If I took the test and it was negative, it was just one more thing in the long list of weird stuff my body has decided to do. After dinner, I walked up behind Josh as he washed our daughter's baby bottles and said "I need to pee, might as well do it on a stick." He laughed and said "Whatever you want to do baby.", and continued washing. Three minutes later I had a huge smile on my face. There they were, two little pink lines. I walked out of the bathroom, the proof in my hand, and said "Yep, I'm pregnant!". Josh turned from the sink and said "No way!" and started dancing. My wonderful husband, who had stood by me as an ultrasound showed no heartbeat, held me as I delivered our first born in a quiet room, experienced heartbreak month after month right along side me, was dancing. He danced and I cried. Happy tears.

I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't do things half way. So I have a choice. Sink into a pit of fear or celebrate every second of this new life. I believe a person, a soul, exists from conception. I now carry another person inside me. I will savor every second I have with him/her and not be ashamed of it. I MUST celebrate, for my sanity. I MUST. I do not want to look back on this pregnancy, no matter how long or short it is, no matter if we meet this child in this life or the next, and remember nothing but fear. I want to remember the joy. This is a life. A life worth celebrating.

So yes, I'm planning how to tell our parents, how to tell friends and family. I downloaded a pregnancy tracker app. I started taking prenatal vitamins. I'm grateful I haven't really packed up any of our daughter's baby gear, but instead stuck it in the back of her closet. I look forward to telling people. I probably won't wait till twelve weeks either. I know what I'll feel like if this ends, and I know I'll need as much support as possible.

Here's what else I know:

God is not mean.

God loves me.

God is a God of grace, mercy, and redemption.

I lived. After we lost our first born. I lived. I can do it again.

Let's do this.

The proof.